A Letter from Cori

Hi everyone, I just got an email from Cori Magnotta who was generous enough to send me a transcript of one of her advocacy speeches. Hopefully this will resonate with any eds and their friends and family.

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"It's not about how you look, but how you feel." I look at this statement a few dozen times a day. I especially know it to be true, inthe past 8 years I have weighed 95 pounds and 195 pounds, sizes 2 to12. Believe it or not, I felt worse about myself when I was 95 pounds.See, when you have an eating disorder, every mirror becomes like a fun house mirror and the distortion begins. An eating disorder is marked by extremes. It is present when a person experiences severe disturbances in eating behavior, such as extreme reduction of foodintake or extreme overeating, or feelings of extreme distress or concern about body weight or shape. My name is Cori Magnotta, I am 24 years old and I have spent more than half my life struggling with anorexia, bulimia and body image issues.My eating disorder began in my preteen years; a perfect storm of sorts for anorexia. At the age of 10 years old, I was already 5'10'' a freak of nature among other 5th graders. In my bright green catholic school uniform, the other kids named me The Jolly Green Giant. I was less than jolly about my new nickname. This new found awkwardness, combined with childhood sexual abuse and 2 morbidly obese parents made for a child that longed for control. When I was 11, I was 'discovered' by a modeling scout in New York City and signed with the Elite Modeling Agency, constantly struggling to meet someone else's standards of perfection. At the 'old age' of 15, I lost my modeling contract- I no longer had the look that anyone wanted, plus I was now fat by modeling standards; 113 pounds and weighed daily. Back in high school, I longed for the extreme thinness I once had. I felt like a failure for not being able keep my weight down. I became further dependent on the tricks of the trade: laxatives, diet pills,and a new one: purging. By the time I was in the twelfth grade, I had become dependant on up to 100 laxatives a day and fistfuls of diet pills. I was sick all the time. I had become a master of covering it up. I had an excuse for everything. "I already ate." "I don't feel well." As if I needed help hiding my eating disorder, I found pro anorexic websites, which provided me with even more tips and a dangerous group of people that promoted eating disorders as a lifestyle. My first glimpse of hope came from talking to my crisis intervention counselor in High School. It never really occurred to me that getting better or not having an eating disorder was an option. After telling her the ways I had come accustom to abusing myself, for the first time I said "I think I might have an eating disorder." I can remember her saying "Ya think!?" I knew I needed and wanted help, but unfortunately, my mother was unwilling to admit that there was anything wrong with this behavior and I had no means of a support system. That was about to drastically change. Not too many college students move into the dorms and go to the counseling center on the same day- I did. I was determined to fix myself, I thought it would be easy- I was wrong. I was about to go on a 6 year journey that continues with me standing before you today.What I did not realize then is that recovery is a process, not an event. For the first time in my life, I had a support system. I had the most amazing nurse practitioner who would not then and still does not let me give up on myself. I can remember telling her that I was taking 100laxatives a night and she told me "We're going to fix this" without batting an eye. I had a therapist, group therapy, nutritionist, and psychiatrist. To top it all off, I was a Social Work major. I now realize that I was trying to fix myself- it didn't work. My entire life- I had been a perfectionist and I resigned myself to a 'perfect recovery.' Well, that didn't work either. I made up my food journals,went to therapy completely uninterested in making actual progress and convinced myself there wasn't anything wrong with me. I spent the next two years in a confused, chaotic, disorganized state of mind. I dropped in and out of school more times than I can count. Years of hurt and abuse were surfacing and I didn't know how to handle myself.I did not want to hear about coping skills or self help- I became determined to destroy myself and I was pretty darn successful. I purchased diet pills online- amphetamines to be exact- I blamed everything on my weight and became certain that everything would be okay if I could just stop eating and lose weight. On March 15th 2005,I was rushed to the hospital, my electrolytes were unbalanced, my heart was racing and I couldn't breath. I hadn't eaten in days and Ihad been overdosing on mystery pills and forcing myself to purge the only liquids I had been consuming. Being in the hospital was not fun,I don't recommend it. Doctors are not so nice when you've put yourself in the hospital. I eventually ended up in the psych ward, something Iam less than proud of. After 2 days, I was released with the condition that I report to Unity Mental Health Center the next day. I worked with an amazing therapist twice a week for almost 2 years. She gave me homework and I actually did it. I was finally ready to start healing and move on with my life.Over those two years, I began taking pride in myself again. Following one of her suggestions, I obtained a position in a hotel, one of my best decisions to date, as I stand before you today as the Director of Sales for a Marriott Hotel. The road to recovery is long and bumpy. I do not claim to be recovered. In fact, I don't think I ever will be recovered, but always recovering. It is estimated that as many as seven million women and one million men suffer from some form of an eating disorder. The good news is that there is hope and there is help. Organizations such as the National Association for Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders, or ANAD for short are critical in supporting research and education in the field of self acceptance and eating disorder prevention and recovery. Over the past 2 years, I have had the honor and privilege of being a resource person and volunteer for ANAD. I think it very is important to reflect on ANAD's Pledge, also great words to live by: I will accept myself as I am. My uniqueness is a badge of honor, something to be proud of. There is no one in the world quite like me and I will strive to develop my special skills and abilities I will accept others as they are. Each person is special and different. I will to try to learn from these differences rather than be critical of them. Eating disorders are preventable and they are treatable, myself and so many others are living proof. Together, through education and understanding, I know we can make a difference in so many lives and stop many of our loved ones from becoming a statistic, because eating disorders do not discriminate they can effect anyone, of any age and any social/economic status. There is hope and help, you are not alone,all you have to do is reach out.

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Thank you so much Cori!

*I know.*

I need to be honest about something right now. I have to admit to you, in case I have not yet, that I understand much of the appeal of these websites. I understand the desire to belong when you feel no one understands. I understand the pressure to fit in. I also feel anxiety and confusion when I see others who are skinnier than I am or prettier than I am or happier than I am or whatever it is that day…I understand the feeling of thinking ‘I just need to lose a little more and then I’ll be happy…but not now, now I don’t deserve to be happy.”

I don’t understand celebrating those feelings. I don’t understand making others feel that way. Those people you are encouraging to hurt themselves are REAL PEOPLE. Imagine reading the posts people write and it is your little sister saying it to you, or your best friend. Would you let them feel that way?

I need to be honest about another thing. Though I am a very upfront and confrontational person (come on now, I’m a PR student), I have trouble facing major issues and letting other people in on them as well. It’s kind of like how I can sing in front of an audience of 1,000 with no problem, but to sing in front of a single person is impossible. That’s how the Internet is. We have no problem addressing our fears and our angers and our imperfections here—everyone is faceless. We make up fake usernames and post abstract pictures of ourselves. I understand the solace in remaining anonymous.

In all honesty, I haven’t even told my best friend that I have this blog. I am scared to. I can tell the whole world about it in my blog, but I can’t bring myself to pick up the phone and tell her. That would be singing to a single person, it’s too hard, too scary, and your gonna feel and see every one of their reactions. And then you have to answer to them.

So, I am working on the whole courage thing. I’ll tell her when she’s ready and when I am ready. But, in all honesty, I am scared. I am scared that I am writing every post with her in mind but I am not taking the right steps with her personally. I found this poem on another anti-pro-ana website and it really made me think about her.

“I need more time to find the real me… To fly like the birds…to be set free. Why couldn’t I stop until I had died? It was hate for myself hidden inside.”

Please, I am asking all of you reading; do not let it get to this point. Do not let these websites allow them to get to this point.

*EDNOS*

I want to remind everyone of a fact that is essential to be aware of in considering these websites—many of these individuals do not have clinical eating disorders. While a great amount of them, as previously discussed, are hoping to attain an eating disorder (impossible) in hopes of losing weight, many more are effected by other mental disorders. These other disorders, such as bipolar disorder, depression, COD, effect eating habits and mental though processes and perception. These alternative disorders are called EDNOS, for eating disorders not otherwise specified. As explained on the site Ana Does Not Love You, this is means that these are a category of mental disorders that involve disordered eating patterns. The following video illustrates an example of how a disorder, in this case OCD, can result in habits similar to those of one with an ed.

Both the media and pro-ana/mia websites play into these vulnerabilities and play to these individuals’ disorders, as they seem to allow control, escape and alternative personas to be created. These disorders are especially dangerous because they do not warrant definite medical care or personal attention. While the disorders themselves are often medicated or treated otherwise, the side effects such as eating and exercise habits, are often disregarded or overlooked. Individuals with one or more of the above disorders are especially susceptible to pro-ana websites. The websites often include pages with information on EDNOS, creating a sense of “community” and legitimizing the site as authoritative. The information, as you can see from this website, is presented in a very non-biased and honest way. It appears to be legitimate and straight-forward; however to me it seems to be a simple hidden agenda. The inclusion an EDNOS page acts as a sort of invitation for individuals who suffer from them. Those with depression or OCD feel that though they are not directly related to those with ed’s, they are now accepted and welcomed by them. The following video exemplifies how someone with an EDNOS feels more comfortable identifying with an eating disorder than with a series of other disorders.

I hope that this gets my point across; these websites are specifically targeting various groups of individuals—those who want to be skinny, those who have mental and personality disorders, and those who have eating disorders, are all among the major publics targeted by the creators and supporters of these websites. They are simply luring you into the lion’s den. Will you willingly follow?

*Laws Against Pro-Ana? C'est possible?*

In an LA times article written last spring by Geraldine Baum, the possibility of making pro-ana actions illegal was debated.

“Blogs, websites and ads that induce ‘excessive thinness’ could bring down fines and jail time on their makers if the Senate passes pending legislation. Judges would make the call….“Too thin” may soon be defined in France by judges who would be asked to enforce new legislation aimed at websites, blogs and fashion advertising that encourage eating disorders among girls.”

The bill was passed a few weeks later. Though it was heavily debated, the defining decision factor was the way in which the websites advise individuals on how to lie to their doctors, suggest the easiest foods to vomit, and encourage one another to torture themselves.

Some feel that this type of law is prejudice against a disease, I believe this is an entirely inaccurate claim. The idea behind the creation of this law is to discourage the PROMOTION and GLAMORIZATION of eating disorders and unobtainable images to the mass public. Unfortunately, I do not think this would pass so well in the US. One would think that these types of writings do not apply as freedom of speech or expression, yet they do. I never realized how fine a line it was between a making a death threat and asking for one until I began dealing with pro-ana sites. Furthermore, it is difficult to find substantial evidence that these websites are causing deaths. In an interview Baum conducts with Susan Scafidi, an expert in fashion law and professor at Fordham Law School, Scafidi points out the following dilemma:

“We do ban advertising of smoking in the U.S. and we take smoking into consideration for movie ratings,” she noted. “But we know there is a clear link between smoking and lung cancer. No one has yet established a connection between images in magazines and skinny girls.”

I just don’t know about that. After reading statistics on blogs about media's effects on society and the behind the scenes of it all, not to mention through my own research posted throughout my blog I find it rather hard to believe that this is true.

*Playing in the Lion's Den*

I was reading a friend’s blog that details media’s obsession with thin models. The interesting twist on her blog topic, however, is that its focus is not on the use of thin models, but on the use of average sized models who are photoshopped into oiled up toothpicks.

I was fascinated by some of the statistics posted on her blog. For instance, a research study was conducted in which three ads were displayed (targeting women), and each product being advertising was shown in two different ads—one with an average sized model and the next as a thinspirational model. Long story short, the study proved that the image of the average sized model left women feeling happier and better about themselves.

I feel this information is an important component to my cause. There are countless individuals torturing themselves to attain an image that is simply unattainable. It will not happen. It cannot happen.

This information also shows how vulnerable today’s society is to media. Not only are we heavily influenced (emotionally, mentally, and, in extreme cases, physically) by what we see in stores, fashion, magazines, television, movies and advertisements, but now we are encouraged to take it one step beyond being influenced and actually take action. We are being lured into the lion’s den…a dangerous arena allowing people to succumb to their darkest thoughts and physical nightmares.

I use to brush these impossible images off, considering them unrealistic, but websites such as pro-ana sites have legitimized these images. Pro-ana sites make their users think that it is not just photoshop, but a real person who you can become, all you need to do is recite the Ana Creed or try their diet tricks. They make it seem as if the impossible is a realistic alternative. It is not. It is not real—but what you are subjecting yourselves to…that is very, very real.

*Changing up the Change Agent*

After writing my last post, I got a pretty good idea for how to put a little spin on my message to Tyra. Not only am I going to propose a topic for her show, but I am going to propose an actual person she should feature on her show. Cori Magnotta, who has been mentioned numerous times in my blog, would be an excellent change agent. I have decided to combine these two highly inspirational women into one super change agent. Here is a clip of Tyra tackling negative body images not only for the general population...but for girls between the ages of 5 and 14. That's right, 5 year-old-girls talking about how fat they are. This is something Tyra is very passionate about, so why is she overlooking one of the most influencial sources?

Tyra, with her talk show and highly public image, has a great runway for getting an important issue heard. Cori, with her compelling and brutally honest story, has the passion and life experience to lead eating disorder sufferers in a direction towards recovery. Cori has already taken many steps to get herself heard, many of which have been focused on my blog, but the idea of her and Tyra teaming is foolproof and fail proof.

Tyra's doin good...but another suggestion couldn't hurt

I’ve been thinking about my change agent…yes, again. I am actually pretty surprised that I have still heard nothing back from Tyra! Well, one of her producers or even an intern at least. I did some research of the Tyra show and I found that apparently one of her favorite things to do is put herself in other peoples shoes—her most memorable example of this is the episode in which she donned a fat suit to see what a day in that life was like.

This write up of the article explains the interesting parallel that while Americans are increasingly obese, “the ideal body image is getting steadily thinner.” One of the major inspirations for this episode was the idea that it is TV that sets our standards. The show write-up explains, “Only one in 300 female characters is obese. In real life, one in 4 women is either overweight or obese. Reality TV is no help, 9 out of 10 women on these shows are thin. Out here in the real world, only 5 out of 10 can make that claim." Is it possible that ideals such as these are a little disheartening? What is with this type of portrayal? Why are producers, writers, and casting directors constantly feeding us these images and stereotypes? Why are we as consumers allowing them to? How far are we going to allow this to go?

We have people, possibly our friends and family, logging onto pro-ana websites and literally killing themselves and encouraging others to do the same. We sit and watch as these people wither away, yet we still support the idea that thin is beautiful, and nothing more is. I just don’t understand what we are waiting for. Perhaps eating disorders are not enough of an instant disease for us to notice it happening all around us. True, no one is spontaneously combusting in the seat next to us, but these people are dying, slowly and painfully and so, so lonely. It is time to stop putting these images in their faces. So, thank you, Tyra, for finally taking a stance and putting something new out there for us to tune into. Now, perhaps you should read a certain letter giving you new show material from a certain Chapman University student :)

Who is at fault?

Something that really frustrates me about pro-ana sites is that many of those using them are not using them because they have an eating disorder, but because they want one. It is sick, I know. There are people logging on who are not diagnosed with a disease, but are subjecting themselves to the putdowns, the sick images, the vast array of diet tips and tricks because they WANT to become anorexic or bulimic…who knows, maybe they’ll get lucky and become BOTH! Oh, and wouldn’t that just be so joyous for them!

“Look ma, I have anorexia AND bulimia! The website came free with a purchase of Trimspa and ipecac!”

I don’t know if I can really blame these people for going to these measures. I came across an interesting statistic today. Interesting meaning a myriad of things here…surprising, fascinating, disturbing, scary… It definitely gives some validity to the mindset of these people who are so self-conscious and unhappy with themselves that they try to contract an eating disorder…like it’s the fucking flu or something. Nevertheless, here is some of what I found.

I was reading a blog about negative body image, and the writer stated that 80% of women feel lowered self esteem and heightened insecurity and depression after viewing images of “perfect beauty”. Also, after just 3 minutes of looking at a fashion magazine, 75% of women felt depressed, guilty, and shameful. And even more, less than 200 seconds of looking through an issue of Vogue, in addition to feeling depressed, 98% of women felt guilty and shameful.

I definitely recommend checking out some more posts from that blog, it does a fabulous job of exposing the truth behind out media’s “perfect beauty.”

These findings are so upsetting to me. They make my stomach hurt and my heart ache for these people. But what do I know, I should probably be feeling guilty, shameful, depressed, and insecure right now since I am eating a sandwich, and God knows the woman on the Marie Claire cover by my bed doesn’t eat things like sandwiches.

Where is Tyra?

My mission for this blog is not to trash these websites, but to publicize their danger. I was hoping to get a little help in spreading my message through a public role model. I chose Tyra Banks as my target, as I believe that she is a beautiful example of someone who inspires others to feel comfortable with their bodies and overall self.

Over the past few weeks, however, I have begun reconsidering my change agent. Maybe I went for someone too big, too public. I have sent in more than one letter, such as the one I posted earlier, and I have not even received a response saying that they RECEIVED the letter. Yes, I am starting to think I reached a little too high for Tyra.

Also, perhaps those who are/are trying to recover from their eating disorder need someone who has experienced the same disease…similar to the way a drug or alcohol addict needs the support of a former addict to recover simply for the fact that that individual understands the pain and the torture, and has persevered. Perhaps Tyra does not resonate enough with those I am trying to help. While she certainly stands for loving ones body, perhaps she is too idealistic, as she has never NOT loved her body to the extent that an eating disorder sufferer has, perhaps the two cannot relate.

With all these factors in mind, I am taking the idea of changing my change agent into consideration. I think I should find someone who can relate closer to eating disorder sufferers, and who serves as an inspiration in the sense that they have done the seemingly impossible and made definite advances on the road to recovery. I have a few individuals in mind…but what do you, my readers, think of this proposition? Does it make more sense? If so, any ideas for a candidate?

*Role Model*

It is difficult for eating disorder sufferers to be very open about their disease. Once of the major symptoms of the disorder is a desire to keep control over one’s life. By opening up about the disorder, these individuals are putting themselves in an incredibly vulnerable position. They put themselves in a seemingly dangerous position of allowing others to judge them, to question them, to try and tell them what to do.

When considering the above circumstances, the appeal of an anonymous website to open up about the disease is very clear. Rather than fighting the disease, they are encouraged to embrace it, thus rather than feel as if they are judged for it, they feel as if they are being welcomed into a secret organization for it. The attraction to these websites is understandable, which is why they must be stopped.

Cori Magnotta took part in another interview with Real Health TV, explaining her personal struggle in greater detail. She explains the addictive component of the websites and the dangerous ability their followers are able to pull you back in, even during rehabilitation.

If you are an eating disorder sufferer reading this post, please take note of her personal story and how long she has struggled. Cori is an intensely strong and brave woman for being so public about her disease and use of the websites. She is a wonderful person to look up to as an example for her ability to admit to her struggles and publicize her story to help others.

*Courage doesn't always roar...*

I would like to open todays post with a video. It is for those of us who have never experienced the pain of an eating disorder. Pay attention, it gives insight into how many eating disorder sufferers feel and how they would like us to help them...

I was reading over my blog earlier today and I noticed that a majority of my posts seem to have assumed the attack position, and that is not my intention. My goal for this blog is to spread a positive message to those who are submitting themselves to the mental, physical and emotional torture that exists on pro-ana websites. This is just a gentle reminder that this blog is meant as a place for family and friends of eds and for eds themselves to come seek encouragement, support, and inspiration.

I took on this mission with a goal of creating a safe haven for those who want to recover as well as a place for their family and friends to seek and provide support as well. When someone you love is affected by this disease, it is very easy to swallow the blame for it. That’s how I felt. I watched as someone I love slowly hurt herself, and I said nothing. I know how it feels to feel guilt and responsibility for the disease progressing. It is important to remember, though, that it is not your fault. It is absolutely out of our power as an outsider to stop the disease from instilling itself within our loved one. Because anorexia and bulimia are psychological diseases, they cannot be halted with words of support or love anymore than could depression or bi-polar disorder. And trust me I wish that they could be, so much it hurts.

The most we can do at this time is to keep a watchful eye and an open mind and heart. It is near impossible for us to understand the pain and sadness that our loved ones are going through during this battle. Condemning them for their disease is not going to help. Babying them is not going to help. What is going to help is a true safe haven, a place where they can go for encouragement and necessary support when they are ready. Pro-ana sites are the enemy as they lure in mentally sick individuals seeking an escape. That escape should not exist. They must face their disease and we, as their family and friends, need to make sure they are facing it the right way. Not by identifying with or relating to others who are continuing their diseases, but by emoting with one another on the path to recovery rather than relapse.

And I’d like to close this post with a video I found, and I dedicate it to all those suffering from an eating disorder. Please remember that this is a place for you to seek encouragement and support. Pay close attention to the video and maybe even write down some of the quotes that you think may help you along the way.