*YOU ARE NOT ALONE*

One of the most difficult parts about eating disorders is that they do not only involve the individual suffering from them. Their family and friends suffer along side them as well. I understand that it is terrifying and lonely to be tormented by the psychological and physical pain of an eating disorder, but no matter how much you are hurting, you do not deserve it and you are not alone. You do not deserve to be thinking the way these anonymous murderers tell you to think…

The people surrounding you feel pain whenever they hug you. The people around feel sadness when they see you neglect your body of nourishment. Those around you feel helpless and out of control, just as you do. Please, why do you search for companionship and help from faceless robots inside a computer who only spit acidic insults at you and confirm your worst fears? I am begging someone to answer me, please. I am begging for someone to help me understand why this is taking place. I am begging someone to help me see how to save my best friend.

If you do not believe that those around you care, here is a letter from the other side. Here is a letter from me to my beautiful friend, whom I miss every day.

To you, my mermaid friend, my Barbie companion, my Disney Princess,

Where do I begin? I have looked up to you since I was five-years old. Remember when we first met as little girls and you told me you had rainbow eyes, and I believed you even though I could see they were brown? I believed whatever you said because I loved you, and I didn’t care if it was true or not.

I guess I let that loving trust blind me as we got older. I saw your body shrinking, and I questioned you but trusted you when you said there was nothing going on. I could see there was a problem, but you have always been so in control of your life I trusted that you knew what you were doing. I trusted that you meant what you said when you replied, “I’m fine.”

I should have seen through your painted smile and your empty eyes. They certainly are not rainbow anymore.

My heart aches when I think of you. My heart aches because you are still alive, but I feel like I cannot see you. My heart is so sad because I talk to you but you do not answer as yourself, where has your beautiful spirit gone? I feel so lost and scared and confused. Please help me. Please help me help you. I know you are not okay. Please, please, do not lie to me anymore and say you are okay. I am tired of fucking lies. Your lies sting my heart when you look me in the eye and tell me you are getting better.

I know you, I know that you can do anything you want to do—and that is what is scaring me. I know that you do not want to get better. I know that you think you are too far in to come back. But you can, your life is still here. I don’t know for how much longer, but you are alive and your spirit is hiding.

I love you. I love you unconditionally. I hate this ugly disease and I hate that it is destroying you, but I love you no matter what. I am always here for you, and you are not worthless. You do not deserve to waste away and kill yourself slowly. You deserve the most beautiful things and the happiest life.

You are my big sister, and I love you. And because of that love, I vow to not enable your habit anymore. I vow that I will not allow this disease to sink deeper into your mind. I promise you that I will not serve as an enabling tool as these websites are. You may not be happy about it, but I love you and for that reason I am going to have to go against what you tell me sometimes—because I do not know what is true or not anymore. I feel betrayed and I will do whatever it takes to bring you back to life.

I love you forever,

Maria