A Letter from Cori

Hi everyone, I just got an email from Cori Magnotta who was generous enough to send me a transcript of one of her advocacy speeches. Hopefully this will resonate with any eds and their friends and family.

***

"It's not about how you look, but how you feel." I look at this statement a few dozen times a day. I especially know it to be true, inthe past 8 years I have weighed 95 pounds and 195 pounds, sizes 2 to12. Believe it or not, I felt worse about myself when I was 95 pounds.See, when you have an eating disorder, every mirror becomes like a fun house mirror and the distortion begins. An eating disorder is marked by extremes. It is present when a person experiences severe disturbances in eating behavior, such as extreme reduction of foodintake or extreme overeating, or feelings of extreme distress or concern about body weight or shape. My name is Cori Magnotta, I am 24 years old and I have spent more than half my life struggling with anorexia, bulimia and body image issues.My eating disorder began in my preteen years; a perfect storm of sorts for anorexia. At the age of 10 years old, I was already 5'10'' a freak of nature among other 5th graders. In my bright green catholic school uniform, the other kids named me The Jolly Green Giant. I was less than jolly about my new nickname. This new found awkwardness, combined with childhood sexual abuse and 2 morbidly obese parents made for a child that longed for control. When I was 11, I was 'discovered' by a modeling scout in New York City and signed with the Elite Modeling Agency, constantly struggling to meet someone else's standards of perfection. At the 'old age' of 15, I lost my modeling contract- I no longer had the look that anyone wanted, plus I was now fat by modeling standards; 113 pounds and weighed daily. Back in high school, I longed for the extreme thinness I once had. I felt like a failure for not being able keep my weight down. I became further dependent on the tricks of the trade: laxatives, diet pills,and a new one: purging. By the time I was in the twelfth grade, I had become dependant on up to 100 laxatives a day and fistfuls of diet pills. I was sick all the time. I had become a master of covering it up. I had an excuse for everything. "I already ate." "I don't feel well." As if I needed help hiding my eating disorder, I found pro anorexic websites, which provided me with even more tips and a dangerous group of people that promoted eating disorders as a lifestyle. My first glimpse of hope came from talking to my crisis intervention counselor in High School. It never really occurred to me that getting better or not having an eating disorder was an option. After telling her the ways I had come accustom to abusing myself, for the first time I said "I think I might have an eating disorder." I can remember her saying "Ya think!?" I knew I needed and wanted help, but unfortunately, my mother was unwilling to admit that there was anything wrong with this behavior and I had no means of a support system. That was about to drastically change. Not too many college students move into the dorms and go to the counseling center on the same day- I did. I was determined to fix myself, I thought it would be easy- I was wrong. I was about to go on a 6 year journey that continues with me standing before you today.What I did not realize then is that recovery is a process, not an event. For the first time in my life, I had a support system. I had the most amazing nurse practitioner who would not then and still does not let me give up on myself. I can remember telling her that I was taking 100laxatives a night and she told me "We're going to fix this" without batting an eye. I had a therapist, group therapy, nutritionist, and psychiatrist. To top it all off, I was a Social Work major. I now realize that I was trying to fix myself- it didn't work. My entire life- I had been a perfectionist and I resigned myself to a 'perfect recovery.' Well, that didn't work either. I made up my food journals,went to therapy completely uninterested in making actual progress and convinced myself there wasn't anything wrong with me. I spent the next two years in a confused, chaotic, disorganized state of mind. I dropped in and out of school more times than I can count. Years of hurt and abuse were surfacing and I didn't know how to handle myself.I did not want to hear about coping skills or self help- I became determined to destroy myself and I was pretty darn successful. I purchased diet pills online- amphetamines to be exact- I blamed everything on my weight and became certain that everything would be okay if I could just stop eating and lose weight. On March 15th 2005,I was rushed to the hospital, my electrolytes were unbalanced, my heart was racing and I couldn't breath. I hadn't eaten in days and Ihad been overdosing on mystery pills and forcing myself to purge the only liquids I had been consuming. Being in the hospital was not fun,I don't recommend it. Doctors are not so nice when you've put yourself in the hospital. I eventually ended up in the psych ward, something Iam less than proud of. After 2 days, I was released with the condition that I report to Unity Mental Health Center the next day. I worked with an amazing therapist twice a week for almost 2 years. She gave me homework and I actually did it. I was finally ready to start healing and move on with my life.Over those two years, I began taking pride in myself again. Following one of her suggestions, I obtained a position in a hotel, one of my best decisions to date, as I stand before you today as the Director of Sales for a Marriott Hotel. The road to recovery is long and bumpy. I do not claim to be recovered. In fact, I don't think I ever will be recovered, but always recovering. It is estimated that as many as seven million women and one million men suffer from some form of an eating disorder. The good news is that there is hope and there is help. Organizations such as the National Association for Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders, or ANAD for short are critical in supporting research and education in the field of self acceptance and eating disorder prevention and recovery. Over the past 2 years, I have had the honor and privilege of being a resource person and volunteer for ANAD. I think it very is important to reflect on ANAD's Pledge, also great words to live by: I will accept myself as I am. My uniqueness is a badge of honor, something to be proud of. There is no one in the world quite like me and I will strive to develop my special skills and abilities I will accept others as they are. Each person is special and different. I will to try to learn from these differences rather than be critical of them. Eating disorders are preventable and they are treatable, myself and so many others are living proof. Together, through education and understanding, I know we can make a difference in so many lives and stop many of our loved ones from becoming a statistic, because eating disorders do not discriminate they can effect anyone, of any age and any social/economic status. There is hope and help, you are not alone,all you have to do is reach out.

***

Thank you so much Cori!

*I know.*

I need to be honest about something right now. I have to admit to you, in case I have not yet, that I understand much of the appeal of these websites. I understand the desire to belong when you feel no one understands. I understand the pressure to fit in. I also feel anxiety and confusion when I see others who are skinnier than I am or prettier than I am or happier than I am or whatever it is that day…I understand the feeling of thinking ‘I just need to lose a little more and then I’ll be happy…but not now, now I don’t deserve to be happy.”

I don’t understand celebrating those feelings. I don’t understand making others feel that way. Those people you are encouraging to hurt themselves are REAL PEOPLE. Imagine reading the posts people write and it is your little sister saying it to you, or your best friend. Would you let them feel that way?

I need to be honest about another thing. Though I am a very upfront and confrontational person (come on now, I’m a PR student), I have trouble facing major issues and letting other people in on them as well. It’s kind of like how I can sing in front of an audience of 1,000 with no problem, but to sing in front of a single person is impossible. That’s how the Internet is. We have no problem addressing our fears and our angers and our imperfections here—everyone is faceless. We make up fake usernames and post abstract pictures of ourselves. I understand the solace in remaining anonymous.

In all honesty, I haven’t even told my best friend that I have this blog. I am scared to. I can tell the whole world about it in my blog, but I can’t bring myself to pick up the phone and tell her. That would be singing to a single person, it’s too hard, too scary, and your gonna feel and see every one of their reactions. And then you have to answer to them.

So, I am working on the whole courage thing. I’ll tell her when she’s ready and when I am ready. But, in all honesty, I am scared. I am scared that I am writing every post with her in mind but I am not taking the right steps with her personally. I found this poem on another anti-pro-ana website and it really made me think about her.

“I need more time to find the real me… To fly like the birds…to be set free. Why couldn’t I stop until I had died? It was hate for myself hidden inside.”

Please, I am asking all of you reading; do not let it get to this point. Do not let these websites allow them to get to this point.

*EDNOS*

I want to remind everyone of a fact that is essential to be aware of in considering these websites—many of these individuals do not have clinical eating disorders. While a great amount of them, as previously discussed, are hoping to attain an eating disorder (impossible) in hopes of losing weight, many more are effected by other mental disorders. These other disorders, such as bipolar disorder, depression, COD, effect eating habits and mental though processes and perception. These alternative disorders are called EDNOS, for eating disorders not otherwise specified. As explained on the site Ana Does Not Love You, this is means that these are a category of mental disorders that involve disordered eating patterns. The following video illustrates an example of how a disorder, in this case OCD, can result in habits similar to those of one with an ed.

Both the media and pro-ana/mia websites play into these vulnerabilities and play to these individuals’ disorders, as they seem to allow control, escape and alternative personas to be created. These disorders are especially dangerous because they do not warrant definite medical care or personal attention. While the disorders themselves are often medicated or treated otherwise, the side effects such as eating and exercise habits, are often disregarded or overlooked. Individuals with one or more of the above disorders are especially susceptible to pro-ana websites. The websites often include pages with information on EDNOS, creating a sense of “community” and legitimizing the site as authoritative. The information, as you can see from this website, is presented in a very non-biased and honest way. It appears to be legitimate and straight-forward; however to me it seems to be a simple hidden agenda. The inclusion an EDNOS page acts as a sort of invitation for individuals who suffer from them. Those with depression or OCD feel that though they are not directly related to those with ed’s, they are now accepted and welcomed by them. The following video exemplifies how someone with an EDNOS feels more comfortable identifying with an eating disorder than with a series of other disorders.

I hope that this gets my point across; these websites are specifically targeting various groups of individuals—those who want to be skinny, those who have mental and personality disorders, and those who have eating disorders, are all among the major publics targeted by the creators and supporters of these websites. They are simply luring you into the lion’s den. Will you willingly follow?

*Laws Against Pro-Ana? C'est possible?*

In an LA times article written last spring by Geraldine Baum, the possibility of making pro-ana actions illegal was debated.

“Blogs, websites and ads that induce ‘excessive thinness’ could bring down fines and jail time on their makers if the Senate passes pending legislation. Judges would make the call….“Too thin” may soon be defined in France by judges who would be asked to enforce new legislation aimed at websites, blogs and fashion advertising that encourage eating disorders among girls.”

The bill was passed a few weeks later. Though it was heavily debated, the defining decision factor was the way in which the websites advise individuals on how to lie to their doctors, suggest the easiest foods to vomit, and encourage one another to torture themselves.

Some feel that this type of law is prejudice against a disease, I believe this is an entirely inaccurate claim. The idea behind the creation of this law is to discourage the PROMOTION and GLAMORIZATION of eating disorders and unobtainable images to the mass public. Unfortunately, I do not think this would pass so well in the US. One would think that these types of writings do not apply as freedom of speech or expression, yet they do. I never realized how fine a line it was between a making a death threat and asking for one until I began dealing with pro-ana sites. Furthermore, it is difficult to find substantial evidence that these websites are causing deaths. In an interview Baum conducts with Susan Scafidi, an expert in fashion law and professor at Fordham Law School, Scafidi points out the following dilemma:

“We do ban advertising of smoking in the U.S. and we take smoking into consideration for movie ratings,” she noted. “But we know there is a clear link between smoking and lung cancer. No one has yet established a connection between images in magazines and skinny girls.”

I just don’t know about that. After reading statistics on blogs about media's effects on society and the behind the scenes of it all, not to mention through my own research posted throughout my blog I find it rather hard to believe that this is true.

*Playing in the Lion's Den*

I was reading a friend’s blog that details media’s obsession with thin models. The interesting twist on her blog topic, however, is that its focus is not on the use of thin models, but on the use of average sized models who are photoshopped into oiled up toothpicks.

I was fascinated by some of the statistics posted on her blog. For instance, a research study was conducted in which three ads were displayed (targeting women), and each product being advertising was shown in two different ads—one with an average sized model and the next as a thinspirational model. Long story short, the study proved that the image of the average sized model left women feeling happier and better about themselves.

I feel this information is an important component to my cause. There are countless individuals torturing themselves to attain an image that is simply unattainable. It will not happen. It cannot happen.

This information also shows how vulnerable today’s society is to media. Not only are we heavily influenced (emotionally, mentally, and, in extreme cases, physically) by what we see in stores, fashion, magazines, television, movies and advertisements, but now we are encouraged to take it one step beyond being influenced and actually take action. We are being lured into the lion’s den…a dangerous arena allowing people to succumb to their darkest thoughts and physical nightmares.

I use to brush these impossible images off, considering them unrealistic, but websites such as pro-ana sites have legitimized these images. Pro-ana sites make their users think that it is not just photoshop, but a real person who you can become, all you need to do is recite the Ana Creed or try their diet tricks. They make it seem as if the impossible is a realistic alternative. It is not. It is not real—but what you are subjecting yourselves to…that is very, very real.

*Changing up the Change Agent*

After writing my last post, I got a pretty good idea for how to put a little spin on my message to Tyra. Not only am I going to propose a topic for her show, but I am going to propose an actual person she should feature on her show. Cori Magnotta, who has been mentioned numerous times in my blog, would be an excellent change agent. I have decided to combine these two highly inspirational women into one super change agent. Here is a clip of Tyra tackling negative body images not only for the general population...but for girls between the ages of 5 and 14. That's right, 5 year-old-girls talking about how fat they are. This is something Tyra is very passionate about, so why is she overlooking one of the most influencial sources?

Tyra, with her talk show and highly public image, has a great runway for getting an important issue heard. Cori, with her compelling and brutally honest story, has the passion and life experience to lead eating disorder sufferers in a direction towards recovery. Cori has already taken many steps to get herself heard, many of which have been focused on my blog, but the idea of her and Tyra teaming is foolproof and fail proof.

Tyra's doin good...but another suggestion couldn't hurt

I’ve been thinking about my change agent…yes, again. I am actually pretty surprised that I have still heard nothing back from Tyra! Well, one of her producers or even an intern at least. I did some research of the Tyra show and I found that apparently one of her favorite things to do is put herself in other peoples shoes—her most memorable example of this is the episode in which she donned a fat suit to see what a day in that life was like.

This write up of the article explains the interesting parallel that while Americans are increasingly obese, “the ideal body image is getting steadily thinner.” One of the major inspirations for this episode was the idea that it is TV that sets our standards. The show write-up explains, “Only one in 300 female characters is obese. In real life, one in 4 women is either overweight or obese. Reality TV is no help, 9 out of 10 women on these shows are thin. Out here in the real world, only 5 out of 10 can make that claim." Is it possible that ideals such as these are a little disheartening? What is with this type of portrayal? Why are producers, writers, and casting directors constantly feeding us these images and stereotypes? Why are we as consumers allowing them to? How far are we going to allow this to go?

We have people, possibly our friends and family, logging onto pro-ana websites and literally killing themselves and encouraging others to do the same. We sit and watch as these people wither away, yet we still support the idea that thin is beautiful, and nothing more is. I just don’t understand what we are waiting for. Perhaps eating disorders are not enough of an instant disease for us to notice it happening all around us. True, no one is spontaneously combusting in the seat next to us, but these people are dying, slowly and painfully and so, so lonely. It is time to stop putting these images in their faces. So, thank you, Tyra, for finally taking a stance and putting something new out there for us to tune into. Now, perhaps you should read a certain letter giving you new show material from a certain Chapman University student :)

Who is at fault?

Something that really frustrates me about pro-ana sites is that many of those using them are not using them because they have an eating disorder, but because they want one. It is sick, I know. There are people logging on who are not diagnosed with a disease, but are subjecting themselves to the putdowns, the sick images, the vast array of diet tips and tricks because they WANT to become anorexic or bulimic…who knows, maybe they’ll get lucky and become BOTH! Oh, and wouldn’t that just be so joyous for them!

“Look ma, I have anorexia AND bulimia! The website came free with a purchase of Trimspa and ipecac!”

I don’t know if I can really blame these people for going to these measures. I came across an interesting statistic today. Interesting meaning a myriad of things here…surprising, fascinating, disturbing, scary… It definitely gives some validity to the mindset of these people who are so self-conscious and unhappy with themselves that they try to contract an eating disorder…like it’s the fucking flu or something. Nevertheless, here is some of what I found.

I was reading a blog about negative body image, and the writer stated that 80% of women feel lowered self esteem and heightened insecurity and depression after viewing images of “perfect beauty”. Also, after just 3 minutes of looking at a fashion magazine, 75% of women felt depressed, guilty, and shameful. And even more, less than 200 seconds of looking through an issue of Vogue, in addition to feeling depressed, 98% of women felt guilty and shameful.

I definitely recommend checking out some more posts from that blog, it does a fabulous job of exposing the truth behind out media’s “perfect beauty.”

These findings are so upsetting to me. They make my stomach hurt and my heart ache for these people. But what do I know, I should probably be feeling guilty, shameful, depressed, and insecure right now since I am eating a sandwich, and God knows the woman on the Marie Claire cover by my bed doesn’t eat things like sandwiches.

Where is Tyra?

My mission for this blog is not to trash these websites, but to publicize their danger. I was hoping to get a little help in spreading my message through a public role model. I chose Tyra Banks as my target, as I believe that she is a beautiful example of someone who inspires others to feel comfortable with their bodies and overall self.

Over the past few weeks, however, I have begun reconsidering my change agent. Maybe I went for someone too big, too public. I have sent in more than one letter, such as the one I posted earlier, and I have not even received a response saying that they RECEIVED the letter. Yes, I am starting to think I reached a little too high for Tyra.

Also, perhaps those who are/are trying to recover from their eating disorder need someone who has experienced the same disease…similar to the way a drug or alcohol addict needs the support of a former addict to recover simply for the fact that that individual understands the pain and the torture, and has persevered. Perhaps Tyra does not resonate enough with those I am trying to help. While she certainly stands for loving ones body, perhaps she is too idealistic, as she has never NOT loved her body to the extent that an eating disorder sufferer has, perhaps the two cannot relate.

With all these factors in mind, I am taking the idea of changing my change agent into consideration. I think I should find someone who can relate closer to eating disorder sufferers, and who serves as an inspiration in the sense that they have done the seemingly impossible and made definite advances on the road to recovery. I have a few individuals in mind…but what do you, my readers, think of this proposition? Does it make more sense? If so, any ideas for a candidate?

*Role Model*

It is difficult for eating disorder sufferers to be very open about their disease. Once of the major symptoms of the disorder is a desire to keep control over one’s life. By opening up about the disorder, these individuals are putting themselves in an incredibly vulnerable position. They put themselves in a seemingly dangerous position of allowing others to judge them, to question them, to try and tell them what to do.

When considering the above circumstances, the appeal of an anonymous website to open up about the disease is very clear. Rather than fighting the disease, they are encouraged to embrace it, thus rather than feel as if they are judged for it, they feel as if they are being welcomed into a secret organization for it. The attraction to these websites is understandable, which is why they must be stopped.

Cori Magnotta took part in another interview with Real Health TV, explaining her personal struggle in greater detail. She explains the addictive component of the websites and the dangerous ability their followers are able to pull you back in, even during rehabilitation.

If you are an eating disorder sufferer reading this post, please take note of her personal story and how long she has struggled. Cori is an intensely strong and brave woman for being so public about her disease and use of the websites. She is a wonderful person to look up to as an example for her ability to admit to her struggles and publicize her story to help others.

*Courage doesn't always roar...*

I would like to open todays post with a video. It is for those of us who have never experienced the pain of an eating disorder. Pay attention, it gives insight into how many eating disorder sufferers feel and how they would like us to help them...

I was reading over my blog earlier today and I noticed that a majority of my posts seem to have assumed the attack position, and that is not my intention. My goal for this blog is to spread a positive message to those who are submitting themselves to the mental, physical and emotional torture that exists on pro-ana websites. This is just a gentle reminder that this blog is meant as a place for family and friends of eds and for eds themselves to come seek encouragement, support, and inspiration.

I took on this mission with a goal of creating a safe haven for those who want to recover as well as a place for their family and friends to seek and provide support as well. When someone you love is affected by this disease, it is very easy to swallow the blame for it. That’s how I felt. I watched as someone I love slowly hurt herself, and I said nothing. I know how it feels to feel guilt and responsibility for the disease progressing. It is important to remember, though, that it is not your fault. It is absolutely out of our power as an outsider to stop the disease from instilling itself within our loved one. Because anorexia and bulimia are psychological diseases, they cannot be halted with words of support or love anymore than could depression or bi-polar disorder. And trust me I wish that they could be, so much it hurts.

The most we can do at this time is to keep a watchful eye and an open mind and heart. It is near impossible for us to understand the pain and sadness that our loved ones are going through during this battle. Condemning them for their disease is not going to help. Babying them is not going to help. What is going to help is a true safe haven, a place where they can go for encouragement and necessary support when they are ready. Pro-ana sites are the enemy as they lure in mentally sick individuals seeking an escape. That escape should not exist. They must face their disease and we, as their family and friends, need to make sure they are facing it the right way. Not by identifying with or relating to others who are continuing their diseases, but by emoting with one another on the path to recovery rather than relapse.

And I’d like to close this post with a video I found, and I dedicate it to all those suffering from an eating disorder. Please remember that this is a place for you to seek encouragement and support. Pay close attention to the video and maybe even write down some of the quotes that you think may help you along the way.

*YOU ARE NOT ALONE*

One of the most difficult parts about eating disorders is that they do not only involve the individual suffering from them. Their family and friends suffer along side them as well. I understand that it is terrifying and lonely to be tormented by the psychological and physical pain of an eating disorder, but no matter how much you are hurting, you do not deserve it and you are not alone. You do not deserve to be thinking the way these anonymous murderers tell you to think…

The people surrounding you feel pain whenever they hug you. The people around feel sadness when they see you neglect your body of nourishment. Those around you feel helpless and out of control, just as you do. Please, why do you search for companionship and help from faceless robots inside a computer who only spit acidic insults at you and confirm your worst fears? I am begging someone to answer me, please. I am begging for someone to help me understand why this is taking place. I am begging someone to help me see how to save my best friend.

If you do not believe that those around you care, here is a letter from the other side. Here is a letter from me to my beautiful friend, whom I miss every day.

To you, my mermaid friend, my Barbie companion, my Disney Princess,

Where do I begin? I have looked up to you since I was five-years old. Remember when we first met as little girls and you told me you had rainbow eyes, and I believed you even though I could see they were brown? I believed whatever you said because I loved you, and I didn’t care if it was true or not.

I guess I let that loving trust blind me as we got older. I saw your body shrinking, and I questioned you but trusted you when you said there was nothing going on. I could see there was a problem, but you have always been so in control of your life I trusted that you knew what you were doing. I trusted that you meant what you said when you replied, “I’m fine.”

I should have seen through your painted smile and your empty eyes. They certainly are not rainbow anymore.

My heart aches when I think of you. My heart aches because you are still alive, but I feel like I cannot see you. My heart is so sad because I talk to you but you do not answer as yourself, where has your beautiful spirit gone? I feel so lost and scared and confused. Please help me. Please help me help you. I know you are not okay. Please, please, do not lie to me anymore and say you are okay. I am tired of fucking lies. Your lies sting my heart when you look me in the eye and tell me you are getting better.

I know you, I know that you can do anything you want to do—and that is what is scaring me. I know that you do not want to get better. I know that you think you are too far in to come back. But you can, your life is still here. I don’t know for how much longer, but you are alive and your spirit is hiding.

I love you. I love you unconditionally. I hate this ugly disease and I hate that it is destroying you, but I love you no matter what. I am always here for you, and you are not worthless. You do not deserve to waste away and kill yourself slowly. You deserve the most beautiful things and the happiest life.

You are my big sister, and I love you. And because of that love, I vow to not enable your habit anymore. I vow that I will not allow this disease to sink deeper into your mind. I promise you that I will not serve as an enabling tool as these websites are. You may not be happy about it, but I love you and for that reason I am going to have to go against what you tell me sometimes—because I do not know what is true or not anymore. I feel betrayed and I will do whatever it takes to bring you back to life.

I love you forever,

Maria

*Why Tyra?*

In 2001 the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders, also known as ANAD, reported that Yahoo! was the host of the most pro-ana websites. In July of 2001, vice president of ANAD, Christopher Athas, wrote a letter to the CEO of Yahoo!, Terry Semel, challenging the fact that, “Yahoo! claims to be interested in the health and welfare of children….here’s a good chance to prove it. ”

Journalist Jessica Reaves, who covered the story for TIME, explained in her article, “the response surprised even ANAD.” Within 4 days, about 115 pro-ana sites had been shut down. In my mind, it is scary to think that there are 115 websites devoted to this cause, and even the shutting down of that great a number did not even cause a dent in their influences.

This circumstance proves why I am choosing Tyra Banks as my source of power and possible success in this mission. I do not think a cracking down of the system is what is needed here—what is needed so badly is awareness. Individuals need to understand that when they are using these sites, even as victims who are lured in and preyed upon, are hurting other people. They need to understand that what they are feeling is not something that should be continued, nor do they deserve what they are putting themselves through. The heartbreaking pro-ana creed on this website shows how these individuals feel that this is their outlet and that they deserve the pain they are inflicting upon themselves and others. This is not the case.

I am choosing a powerful public figure to help raise awareness of this cause. I believe that Tyra has the power to use her influence and her experiences to spread knowledge about these sites and perhaps help create a real outlet for these individuals to heal themselves in.

These websites are being powered by driven and obsessed individuals—shutting them down to set an example is not going to make them stop and it is not going to communicate the message that they need help. It is only going to make them feel more secluded and alone. I understand how these websites serve as a place to emote and to seek support, no matter how twisted. What I am proposing is a revitalization of these websites by turning them to real places for eds to support each other through recovery. Does that sound so unrealistic?

Clarification of my Mission

I want to make something clear about my mission here. I am not looking down upon freedom of expression. I am not looking down upon those with eating disorders. I am not looking down upon those who are seeking support and understanding.

What I look down upon is the people who use these sites to lure in vulnerable eds for the sole fact of not feeling alone. I am disgusted when I read these pages and see people feeding off of each others misery and encouraging it. It makes me sick to see how these individuals thrive off of putting each other down and passing it off as “support”. Rather than seek people to help them feel better about themselves, they stew in each others negative thoughts and allow their own to become more intense and deeply engrained. This is sick. This is murderous. This is heart-breaking.

It makes me so sad to think of those suffering from an eating disorder who are so lost in their depression that they actually find comfort in these sites. It fucking infuriates me to think of the way these sites lure in those with low self-esteem just so that those who are using them can feel more in control. Do you realize there are young children reading these sites? Do you know you are making a terrible and murderous disease seem like an option…no, not even an option, like a norm?! Do you understand you are attracting lonely and unhappy kids, FUCKING 14-YEAR-OLD KIDS, so that you can feel like what you are putting yourself through is okay?!

Does anyone understand what I am saying? In an online article in Associated Content called “Behind Pro-Anorexia Sites” a questionnaire was given to get the opinions of pro-ana sites from those who read them. A majority of the answers were given by girls between the ages between 14 and 18. Here is a 16-year-olds response to the question “why are you using these websites”: “I’m doing it because I WANT TO be thinner. For myself. To love myself more.” Her current weight is 103 pounds and her goal weight, with the help of pro-ana sites, is 90 or below. She is 16-years-old. She should not have the support of hundreds to drop below 90 pounds.

Another participant in the questionnaire explained how though she is not really anorexic, she is “choosing” to become sick. She uses pro-ana sites to “feel less alone”. She has a goal weight of 75 pounds. She is 14-years-old.

In “A Recovering Anorexics Viewpoint on Pro-Ana Websites” in Associated Content, Jenna Hansen responds to the previous questionnaire. She explains how those who run the sites “purposely post every type of trigger imaginable to keep people sick.” She also explains how “they especially target their tactics towards impressionable teenagers and actually encourage low self esteem.”

Hansen became wrapped in the sites when she was deep in her struggle with anorexia. The websites gave her a place to feed off of other's negativity. She writes:

“I thought about killing myself sometimes. I wondered if anyone would even care if I was gone. I dreaded people finding my fat body dead. I would go online and read about people with similar thoughts. Their thoughts would only serve to encourage my own.”

I do not have a problem with a single person wanting to be thin. Fine, if you have a problem and refuse to seek help, that is not a crime in my mind, but rather an issue that you must face yourself. You are only hurting yourself. But these websites are hurting others. You are not simply inflicting pain and torture on your own body and mind, but you are convincing others that they must do the same. This is fucking murder and it is absolutely unacceptable

Who is in control?

If you have not yet had a chance to visit a pro-ana or pro-mia websites, a BBC News article, "Seeking Thinspiration", written by Jaqueline Head, accurately describes their sick content. She explains thinspiration as “pictures of painfully skinny girls…. Comparing dangerously low goal weights and measurements, and team up to ‘keep each other strong’ in their quest to lose weight.’” She also takes note of several posts in which “they swap stories on how they vomit until they cough blood."

Head points out in her article that one of the most disturbing facts about the prominence of these sites on the internet is that it “brings them within reach of a wider audience”. From articles on what diet pills work best to the most effective ways to purge, these websites are blatantly enforcing eating disorders and subtly celebrating a slow and painful death for each reader participating.

Heads major concern outlined in her article is that these websites are leaking from the world wide web onto social networking websites such as facebook and myspace. Head explains, “their presence on social networking websites, which have rules against posting harmful content, raises the groups to a new respectability.” Some of the group names on these networking sites include “Get thin or die trying” and “Quod me nutrit me destruit," meaning that which nourishes me destroys me. To me, these titles do not indicate anything good is coming to follow. On the contrary, they clearly celebrate the fact that they are promoting dangerous and extremely unhealthy ways of life.

The most disturbing part about these websites is that many people are logging onto them who do not psychologically suffer from anorexia or bulimia, but are so desperate to lose weight that they resort to actually trying to become anorexic—which by definition, is impossible. They attempt to become anorexic in the same way someone may try to catch a cold. All I can as is, why? Why would you try to become a tortured individual? Why would you want to make your mind vulnerable to a psychiatric illness with the highest mortality rate? Up to 20% of these individuals die not only from the physical effects of these diseases, but the mental effects cause death as well—many suffering form eating disorders are at high risk for suicidal deaths.

Head closes the article by using individual examples of how these sites influenced eds in an attempt to understand why anyone would use them. In the case of 21-year-old Andrea Schneider, who suffered from anorexia since she was 16, explains her reasoning:

"When you are actively in your eating disorder, you desperately want someone to understand, and a lot of time you find groups like the pro groups on Facebook that are supportive of you continuing your eating disorder," she says. "When you are in the middle of it and don't want to give it up, you cling to these sites that tell you what you are doing is OK. Recovery is hard, staying sick isn't, so it's easier to hide behind these sites claiming that you are making a lifestyle choice, rather than admitting that you are sick and trying to get better."

Schneider makes an important point in her explanation. She points out that the sites allowed her to convince herself that she was consciously making a decision to be anorexic, rather than admit she were sick. The root cause of many eating disoders is an attempt to gain control. The problem is, once the eating disorder takes over psychologically and physically, the individual is no longer in control, and that is when they need to seek help the most. These websites serve as an enabling tool, allowing eds to prolong their disease by not admitting to their disease and saving themselves. As Schneider explains, “recovery is hard, staying sick isn’t.”

I would like everyone participating in these websites to ask themselves, “Who, or what, is in control now?”

Weak Arguments

I’ve been reading through interviews between the media and creators of pro-ana sites, and the reasoning behind using the sites is simply illogical. The two major arguments are 1- they are logging on to keep themselves thin, thus they are not hurting anyone else, and 2- the disclaimers often displayed at the homepage advise those attempting to recover and those without eating disorders to not continue on to the website.

Well, as discussed in the previous post, this first argument is just flat out false. Your efforts to stay thin are no longer only YOUR efforts. Once you employ the use of the Internet, you are opening the door for anyone and everyone to take part in and be influenced by what you post. There are over 400 pro-ana and pro-mia websites dedicated to collecting individuals who can add negative thoughts and emotions to the forums so that they can feel “less alone” and “more in control”.

In a Time article written by Jessica Reaves, called Anorexia Goes High Tech, Reaves further explains the issue with this initial argument. “Most of the minds visiting these sites are not exactly in peak psychological condition.” She goes on to point out how the majority of those using pro-ana sites are extremely vulnerable and looking for a place where others can relate to their feelings of depression and angst. Reaves notes, “Recent studies indicate that 85% of anorexics experience the first onset of the illness by age 20—researchers have noted a marked increase of cases in the 8-11-year-old range over the past five years.”

This research only emphasizes one of the major points I have been trying to make. These websites are reaching far more than the creators are making it seem. As Reaves also points out in her article, “kids in that [8-11] range are also spending more and more time in front of computers….a trend that leaves them especially susceptible to the proliferation of pro-anorexia sites.”

The second argument is actually quite ironic. I think the disclaimers add a nice touch to the pro-ana pages, in that rather than deterring hopeful anorexics away, it actually lures them in. The disclaimer on the homepage gives the websites a sick sort of legitimacy, as if to say, “do not come in here unless you are serious about losing weight.”

Reaves explains the legitimacy of these “warnings”:

“It [the disclaimers] sounds like good, responsible advice—until you consider the effects of a warning like that on the psychology of anorexia. People, especially young women, suffering from anorexia tend to be perfectionists dead set on gaining approval. They want to smooth down all the rough edges, make sure everyone (except themselves) is happy, be exactly the kind of person everyone expects them to be. It’s a very tough mindset to maintain, and you can only do it if you’re willing to suffer (which anorexics are only too happy to do) and if you can be strong in the face of adversity…. In other words, if you’re a young woman on the verge of anorexia, and you visit the site and read the warning, chances are you’re going to see it as a dare.”

There is no doubt in my mind that the creators of these sites are well aware of the vulnerability of an individual desperate to lose weight. I do not think the daring disclaimers or high popularity of the websites are any accident or coincidence. These individuals are purposely seeking out others who can make them feel better about the fact that they are making themselves sick. If you want to keep yourself sick, find, but don't do it in an arena where you are seducing susceptible people into a world of sickness and pain simply to make yourself feel better.

Dear Tyra

Everyday I look at these websites and I see the pain and sadness in each of the comments written by those suffering from eating disorders. It breaks my heart to see them desperatly searching for an outlet and someone to listen and help them. I want so badly to let them know that there are other ways! I want to badly for this site to become a place for those with eds and their family and friends to help one another through the difficult recovery period. I felt like I needed a little help in my journey, so I wrote a letter for support to someone who I think has the power to make a difference. Here is the letter I sent:

Dear Tyra,

I am reaching out to you in the hopes that you can help me make a difference. You serve as a true inspiration and promote the beautiful idea of self acceptance and a healthy beauty. Because of your role, I am hoping that you will be able to help me in my journey.

There is a huge problem today. You may or may not be aware of it, but countless individuals are helping one another in acts of assisted suicide everyday and using the Internet as a medium to do so. These individuals are logging on to what are called pro-ana and pro-mia sites. These websites are tortuous and sick. They promote self-loathing and celebrate and enforce eating disorders. The sites are full of diet tips and tricks, chat forums for encouraging one another to starve themselves and purge any excess calories, and ‘thinspiration’ pages, complete with pictures of emaciated models and images to encourage each other to enable their eating disorders. My issue with these websites is not that they are a forum for those with ED’s to support and communicate with one another, but that they are being used to encourage the continuance of the disease.

Individuals with eating disorders have a true psychological turmoil. Their way of thinking is contaminated in such a self-destructive way that these websites easily suck them in and convince individuals who may have a chance at recovery to instead succumb to their disorder. The existence of these sites is especially heartbreaking to me as I have had first hand experience with someone who cannot control her disorder. My best childhood friend, my sister, has an been clinically diagnosed with anorexia-nervosa. My best friend who was once so full of character and light is now dull and broken. She is sick. Her body is starving and her mind and spirit are dying. Because her mind is psychologically sick, she is unable to convince herself that she needs help and that she needs nourishment. Websites such as pro-ana and pro-mia sites have the ability to trick her already disabled thought process into thinking that her disease is a ‘norm’ and that not eating makes her a stronger person. These websites do nothing but put people down and make them feel worthless. By encouraging one another that they are worthless, each person feels better and more secure with knowing he or she is not the only one who is not in control of the disease.

I am coming to you, Tyra, because of the power and influence you have as an inspiration and a public role model. These websites must be stopped and replaced with real forums for those trying to recover. These websites must be destroyed and replaced by websites allowing friends, family, and ED sufferers to get support from each other through the difficult and painful recovery process. While I am doing all I can in my power to put a stop to these, it is publicity and public awareness that is needed to truly make a difference. I believe that this is something you will feel passionate about, and I hope with all of my heart that you will help me make a difference for the individuals living every day in disease and pain. I believe that you have the power to help me bring light and life back into the lives of these individuals.

Thank you,

Maria

*Terrorists*

"On 15 March 2003, I woke up unable to breathe and was rushed to casualty. My heart was racing and I was hallucinating. I was terrified but also pleased, because my pro-ana friends would be in awe of me.”

That’s right. Just when I was beginning to think that these websites were not as popular as I felt they were, I stumbled across this months UK edition of Marie Claire, advertising an article on a girl who was "terrorized by anorexia extremists." The article, written by Cori Magnotta, a teen Ralph Loren model, explained how the sites sucked her in. She explained pro-ana websites as an "online community of eating disorder sufferers who worship their illness like a religion and celebrate their extreme dieting." She explains how easy it was to get wrapped up in the false comfort of the others participating in the chats and forums; it allowed a place for ed's (eating disorder sufferers) to create an imaginary universe in which they were not ill, but everyone else was. The following interview with Cori and other eds outlines the websites addictive control.

Cori continues on to explain that with the help of her new “sisters” on the pro-ana sites, she was able to stick to her extreme diets and even buy illegal diet pills that were banned in the US off of other eds living in the UK. She even participated in starving contests, with a record length of 45 days. She explains, “I kept logging on and became thinner and thinner.”

The websites' starvation contests, thinspiration pages, and diet/purging tips helped to enable Cori to continue living a dangerous life. How can thinspiration, such as the pictures below, be examples of something to strive for? Does this seem like a healthy mindset? Does this really seem like a norm?

After her hospitalization (described in the opening quote above), Cori was sent to a psychiatric ward and then an outpatient program with intensive therapy. This is the type of treatment that eating disorder sufferers SHOULD be receiving…unfortunately these websites are encouraging them that they do not have a problem.

This article has an underlaying theme that highlights the immense danger of this disease and these sites…the danger of addiction. Even after Cori was counseled to stop going onto the sites, she returned again under another name. Even after Cori lost her hair and stopped getting her period, she returned to the sites for support. Even after Cori was HOSPITALIZED, she returned to the sites and was supplied with more diet pills. These sites are a cult. They are brainwashing. They have the same effect on eds that a violent video game has on a child—they desensitize. Suddenly not eating is a norm, taking 50 laxatives a day is a norm, taking part in a starvation contest is a norm.

What scares me the most is how many times she admits to returning to the sites. How is this allowed? How can people be so selfish and so blinded that they are (literally) dying to take others down with them? These sites are so sadistic in the way that they twist and turn and torture each other’s morale’s and spirits. I am scared and I am sad. It breaks my heart to think that people are subjecting themselves to this sort of abuse willingly. It is not all right for someone to kill another human being by penetrating their thoughts and celebrating sickness. It is not all right for you to seek out these sites to “support” you through your painful disease.

So tell me, when someone dies from these websites, is it considered suicide or murder?

Prescriptions, please!

One of my major issues with pro-ana/mia sites is that they are so accessible and prominent. They are readily available for anyone who has, or wants to have, an eating disorder. I am beginning to notice, however, that these websites are not the only enablers that are readily available to the general public. As briefly touched upon in my last blog post, diet pills and laxatives are heavily overused.

People make a big deal that prescription drugs are becoming the immediate go-to solution in the US, but at least there is some psychiatric counseling required before hand! Has anyone given any thought to the overflow of diet pills spilling out of drug stores? I can’t even buy a vitamin without being slapped in the face by an overwhelming section of diet pills reminding me that eating healthy and working out are STILL not enough to keep me looking good. Furthermore, the advertising for these things is atrocious. I’ve given up reading the last few pages of a magazine, as they are almost always devoted entirely to diet pill advertising.

I, personally, don’t have a problem with all of the photo shopped models and whatnot, by this point I’m pretty much aware that they are simply a mixture of genetically blessed individuals and nerdy photo-shop geniuses. But this bombardment of pills on the other hand…even for a person like me, who does not suffer an eating disorder, they are nearly irresistible. For example, if I feel like I look pretty good from just diet and exercise alone, I’ll probably look pretty damn hot with the extra help of a miracle diet pill. Hey, if they can work for "Grandma Cara" over here, think of what they can do for me, right?

This, of course, is not the case. I admit that I, far too often, fall victim to these dangerous pills. All I end up with is a destroyed sleep schedule and the shakes. Oh, and a quickly dwindling bank account.

This is where the problem is, though. Diet pills are not supposed to be for just anyone to buy! They are meant to help those who are greatly overweight. They should be prescribed by a doctor, not available to just any one wanting to buy them over the counter! Like I mentioned in the last post, there are countless individuals who do not appear to have an eating disorder, and these pills are easily accessible to them, thus enabling their sickness—and people are making a profit on this. Diet pills should absolutely not be so easy to get a hold of.

While the advertising often boasts the glory of being thin and beautiful, they seldom even touch upon the risks. It is a shame that even when trying to find accurate information on diet pills, such as this website advertises, a myriad of links to testimonials still litter the page. Follow the link and take note of the links included in the “health risks of weight loss supplements” box. I just don’t understand.

You never know...

When I look back on the things I have been subjected to, from Barbies to advertisements and now from diet pills to hardcore drugs even, I am shocked I don’t have an eating disorder myself. This Dove clip highlights the intense overload of advertising we are subjected to. Even watching the short clip makes me feel anxious, like I need to go OD on diet pills and exercise until I collapse.

Considering my friends and I started measuring our thighs by the 5^th grade and skipping meals to lose weight by the 7^th, it is not surprising that one of us has an eating disorder, only surprising that more of us do not. This leads me to my next point—anorexia and bulimia often fall under the radar. For example, my best friend has been clinically diagnosed with anorexia, meaning she has doctors and psychologists confirming the fact that she has an eating disorder.

There are, however, hundreds of thousands of individuals who are not clinically diagnosed. There are hundreds of thousands of individuals who look emaciated and whose minds are distorted, leading them to live unhealthy and sad lives, but they are not being helped by a doctor nor are they ‘noticed’ by a professional for their closet disease. There are even more who do not look like they have an eating disorder. There are individuals who look like they are healthy, perhaps even overweight, who purge after meals or consume inadequate calories. With this in mind, think about how many people are logging onto these websites for support. Yes, the first thing that comes to mind are the extremists, those who are skeletal figures that encourage each other to keep their skin clinging tightly to their bone, but there are also others. There are people who are temporarily dieting, there are young girls and maybe boys who are finding these and participating. This is the INTERNET and you do not know who is taking part!

Existence Creed

My name is Maria and I am here to talk. I will be talking a lot, so be prepared. I will also be listening a lot, so I am preparing myself as well. I am hoping to make some improvements in people’s lives, because there is something going on right this second that is threatening the lives of too many beautiful people, and it is only a few clicks away. Here…let me show you: Well? What do you think of that?

Let me tell you a little about why I am here. Our human species is a very social one. We use various social connections as a barometer to define what is good and what is evil, what is acceptable and what is disgraceful. In today’s day and age, the Internet is the arguably the most powerful tool for social communication. It can be used for both good and evil. It can communicate messages to millions within seconds, but these messages are not always positive.

Websites such as pro-ana (pro-anorexia) and pro-mia (pro-bulimia) originated as safe-havens for those with eating disorders to freely discuss their everyday battles with the disease and to support one another along the tough road to recovery. Somewhere down the line, however, the websites took a twisted turn for the worst as more and more individuals with eating disorders began using the sites not for recovery, but for inspiration and support in enabling the disease. Furthermore, the sites are being used by those who emulate the thin and emaciated. Take a look at this video for an explanation from the viewpoint of an anorexic:

My best childhood friend has struggled with anorexia for over a year and a half, and these websites are a reflection of the way her ailing mind is working. I watched my best friend shrink away as she lied to her family and friends about what she ate and when she exercised. She cannot get better because she does not want to.

It makes me so sad to see these websites being used to enable this murderous disease, it is enabling sources such as these that have left my friend dead while she is still living. It is because of social support groups, such as these websites, that make the disease deemed acceptable to these individuals. These websites numb those involved to the pleas of their family, friends and bodies to try to get healthy. These websites say it is okay. My mission is to eradicate these lethal websites. In the words of my professor, this is “a fool’s mission”. These websites have hundreds of viewers and contributors who consider it a Bible; to go against these sites using the medium of communication they so heavily rely on is a dangerous task. Those who use them are living in a distorted world, where the website is still considered a “safe haven” and a “road to recovery”.

My attempt to destroy these sites will be viewed as insensitive and ignorant to these individuals, yet I will no longer stand by as they support each other in assisted suicide. I will end this post with a quote from one of these poisonous websites. Ladies and gentlemen, a line from the “Ana Creed”...

“I believe that I am the most vile, worthless and useless person ever to have existed on this planet, and that I am totally unworthy of anyone's time and attention.”

I counter this statement with a creed of my own; it is one I am writing with my friend in mine, but that I am applying to everyone using these websites with all of my heart. Here is my creed, a creed for existence.

I believe in you.

I believe you are strong enough to overtake this sickness.

I believe the control you once sought is gone.

I believe this disease is controlling you,

no matter how much these websites make you feel in control.

I believe you are beautiful, inside and out.

I believe your mind, your body, and your spirit

are crying for you to see what they have to offer you.

I believe that you are all worthy of my love,

for it is unconditional and exists for anyone in need of it.

I believe you are better than this.

I believe in you.

I believe in a world that is not black and white, but painted

with a myriad of colors and a myriad of shapes and images.

I believe you do not deserve what you are putting yourself through.

I believe in you.

Food for Thought

“I did not know yet what I deserved. I still maybe don't fully know what I deserve. But I do know that I have collected myself of late - through the enjoyment of harmless pleasures - into somebody much more intact. The easiest, most fundamental way to say it is that I have put on weight. I exist more now than I did four months ago…. And I will leave with the hope that the expansion of one person - the magnification of one life - is indeed an act of worth in this world. Even if that life, just this one time, happens to be nobody's but my own.” -Elizabeth Gilbert- Eat, Pray, Love